Happy Winter and Happy New Year!

Happy New Year everyone!

I hope you all have a wonderful start of the year and I hope the transition from writing 2012 to writing 2013 is super quick and not-annoying.

New York has, surprisingly, had a wonderfully white holiday season. The snow came in the form of a blizzard and has been coming along since. It's wonderful. There's something about the snow that is so peaceful and quiet. Last night, I poked my head outside for a second around midnight and it was one of the most beautiful moments I've had this year. Outside, it was absolutely silent. You couldn't hear a single car or voice. The sky was slightly pink and was perfectly contrasting to the shadows of trees in my backyard (as pictured in the...picture).

Anyway, this post is very rushed, because I'm trying to get one last post before it becomes 2013. I'm leaving on vacation tomorrow, so I probably won't be blogging much for the next couple of weeks. Who knows?

I do have a New Year's resolution, however. I want to read 35 books, again. I may not have achieved it this year, but it's my goal for the new year.

Enjoy your celebrations! (I'll save all of my random thoughts for another post. Tonight, you're just getting a cheesy one.)

The book-reading, music-listening lunch club

Tonight I watched an episode of Gilmore Girls. In this episode, Rory (a teenage prep school student, for those of you who don't know) was being told by the headmaster of her school that if she wants to get into a good college, she would have to be more social. No more reading a book at lunch while listening to music.

The catch of it all was that Rory did have friends. She had close relationships, but just because it wasn't obvious to everyone, they assumed she was a loner. I thought I couldn't relate to Rory any more than I already did, but I can't get over the relevance of this episode. Since starting (and finishing) my first semester, I've talked about perspectives on this with lots of people. I remember a guy friend of mine saying "do you ever look at some of the people eating alone in the dining halls? It's like you can just tell that they don't have any friends. They look around at other people, and they're so sad."

After that conversation, I got a little paranoid. I mean, I eat alone sometimes. That doesn't mean that I don't have friends. Sometimes I like to eat and read a book, because I enjoy it. I don't understand why our culture places such a big deal on always showing off that we have friends. We live in such an extroverted society. If you're alone sometimes, you're automatically labeled a loner. What's wrong with enjoying a little bit of time a day by yourself?

On the surface, it seemed as if Rory didn't have any friends because none of her closest friends went to her school, a complete misjudgment. I have friends in college, but I don't spend every waking moment with them. I don't need to eat with a big group of people to feel like I have friends, because I do. I have decent social skills, as do many other people who have probably at some point in their life been labelled a loner because they happen to not always appear in public with their friends.

The point of all of this is that we shouldn't be so quick to judge a person's social life based on what we see. We don't know their life. I think, as people mature, they start to care less about their perceptions of others, and more on whether or not they enjoy spending their time with a person.

Or not.

Crazy Stupid Laughs

So many laughs. Ahahahaha.

That is all.

Rise

The last stage of procrastination is writing a blog post.

I'm tired of studying for finals. Just one more. That's it. Then I'm done. Thank God.

Here's a picture of lamp. I don't know why.

Do you ever just watch an adventure movie or read an adventure book and wish your life could be like that? Like, even though the events aren't always good, you just wish you could do something amazing? I'm so bored with everything. I want to explore, find something that no one (or at least almost no one) has seen before. Discover something unusual.

Lately, I've been immersing myself in adventure books and movies. I'm reading The Lord of the Rings. I watch action movies, and I wish my life could be like that. I know it sounds extremely ignorant, but everything is just so monotonous and boring right now that I can't help but imagine something more exciting.

Schedules are difficult. It's hard doing the same thing every day. I want something more than that. I want to explore the world.

So for now, I'm just here. Still at college, days from going home to my boring old town, where I will remain until next month, when I'm carted around on a ship from one tourist trap to another. Maybe if I'm lucky, I'll be able to explore beyond the little boutiques and bars and find something that might inspire me.

Yes, I really did watch 3 movies today.

Well, technically not. Or maybe. I don't know.

I watched 50/50 after my morning exam. It was a great movie, and I admit I teared up at the end.Then I started watching This Means War, but I honestly could not handle that movie, so I didn't finish it. Tom Hardy was just too much. He was so romantic and perfect that I had to stop because I was afraid I would never fall  in love with anyone else. Oh wait, and I hate rom-coms. And Reese Witherspoon (sorry to the fans).

I'M SORRY I'M TRYING TO STOP

Anyway, then I watched Batman Begins, but I didn't finish it because at that point it was midnight and I really needed to get working on my paper. But I still didn't start it, because there was karaoke downstairs and yes, I actually sang a couple of songs. It's been a weird day.

I didn't realize how hard finals week is. I mean, I technically only have two exams, but then I had a final film project (which I finished a couple of days ago, thank God). The premiere is tomorrow, which I'm required to attend. Woe is me. 

I also have that stupid final paper that's supposed to be 6-8 pages long. I don't know why I'm dreading it so much, but I can't stop procrastinating. I just really hate writing papers, especially with this professor that is a horribly stringent grader.

This post is essentially pointless, so I'm really not surprised if no one is amused by it and decides not to read it. Really. It's okay. I just wanted to write it down so that when I look back in 2 weeks, I can laugh at myself for complaining so much.

Sometimes I just can't restrain myself

Tonight I saw the Dark Knight Rises at the movies. The movie was fantastic, though I have weird opinions about it that still need to develop. But no one cares about that. Today we're going to pretend that I'm extremely shallow and superficial by talking about the beauty that is Tom Hardy.

Tom Hardy is irresistible. First, he has an amazing British accent. Second, he is an incredible actor. Third, look at his face. Just look at it.

In all seriousness, I loved him as Bane in the Dark Knight Rises. He completely won me over. He did a great job, which is why I decided tonight that I was in love with him. (What really got me was a certain scene when a single tear rolls down his cheek. Beautiful.). It was a difficult choice too, because Joseph Gordon-Levitt was at the top of my list for quite a while and he was in the movie as well, but honestly, Tom Hardy stole the show. I've never walked out of a movie so obsessed with a villain then I did tonight, because I knew that underneath that mask, there was Tom Hardy.

He's been in 3 movies this past year. Three movies in just one year.

Did I mention his face?

I swear, I swear I am not this insane on a daily basis. But you know, when you find an actor worth obsessing over, it feels good. You feel like you can finally relate to all the 100,000 other girls who gush over their favorite actors.

I'm going to make a post about all of my favorite actors one of these days, because all of a sudden I have a lot. This list has been in the works for a couple of weeks now (in my head, anyway), so this girly obsessiveness shall resume soon.

Vacations (and why I don't like cruises)

Today my mom told me that we're going on a cruise in the beginning of January.

I really should be excited, but I'm not. My sister's practically jumping with joy, but I'm pretty indifferent. I'm not dreading it, but I'm not sure how I feel about cruises.

I've been on two, so I know what they're like, and I don't like the feeling I get on them. I feel extremely isolated from the world. You're putting people on a boat with basically no access to the real world and no way to get off. You reach a destination, but it's a tiny and desolate island.

Well, maybe I'm exaggerating. Things have changed since the last time I've been on one back in 2007. Technology has made the world increasingly open, and the ability to communicate with anyone, no matter where they are, is no longer a problem. And the islands really aren't that tiny and desolate.

But these islands certainly aren't wealthy. People visit them, they take excursions, they spend their money in the fancy restaurants and bars. That's not really what the islands are like. I've been to the poorer parts of some of them, and I saw people living in shacks and huts. Since then, I honestly can't look at those places the same.

It's a world of ignorance, the cruiser's vacation. They pretend these islands are exotic, they gush over the beautiful landscapes and the nice parts of towns, but the people that live there struggle to make a living. And I'm paying money to look at them as if they're an exhibit. As if they're part of the attraction. I'm there for all the wrong reasons.

I'm over-analyzing this to the extreme, but that's honestly my sentiment. I despise feeling like a tourist. I want to be a traveler, not a tourist. And yes, they are entirely different.

So this is Christmas...

It's December! I'm surprised by the amount of Christmas spirit I have this year. Yesterday I even made a Christmas playlist in my favorite new flannel pajamas.

My goal this December is to visit New York City before Christmas. My friend is there, so it'll give me an excuse to spend a weekend there. I really want to see New York decorated for Christmas. But for now, I leave you with these two pictures of my own home during Christmas.

(By the way, I finally got my camera. Pictures galore!)

Christmas song

Breaking Dawn Part II

Tonight I watched it. Yeah, really. My friend downloaded it, so we bought a bunch of food and sat down to watch it. It wasn't that we like the films (or the series, for that matter); we were just extremely curious to see how the series would finish.

It was...interesting. I think what really threw us off was the bizarre battle scene they had at the end. For those who have read the book, you know that the end is annoyingly anticlimactic. I mean, the entire book is building up to this massive confrontation at the end, which never happens in the book. In the movie, there's a hypothetical battle scene, but that's never explained, so you go through it thinking the writers decided to just end the movie completely differently. It actually ends the same, though.

I'm not going to complain much more about it, because everyone already has their opinions on the series. You either like it, or you don't. It doesn't matter to me. Opinions are opinions.

(Though I will admit the baby was very creepy. Apparently they decided to make a computer baby instead of using an actual baby. A bit scary to watch.)

The frazzled photographer

My camera still hasn't come.

I'm so frustrated. At this moment I just want to drop out of college because I have hundreds of pages of reading for my government class and it's just not me. Why did I sign up for this class? Why did I ever think I like politics? I don't. It's tedious and boring and long and annoying. I've fallen so far behind I just want to cry.

Honestly, I'm on the verge of tears at this point because I've spent half the day looking at camera lenses online and I want them all but I have absolutely no money and no one even understands how much I want to take pictures for a living. Since I was a kid I've adored nature and landscapes and I spend a good chunk of my time immersing myself in all of it on nice days.

All I think of is traveling the world and going to isolated places that people don't go to and just throwing myself into all of it. Spending an entire day on a rocky coast in Ireland. Exploring a jungle in South America. Standing in a vast field of green hills in New Zealand. All of it. Just all of it.

And I can't have that. I have government reading instead.

What do you do when all you've dreamt of isn't within your reach? When it never will be?

Not mine. Courtesy of flickr. Inspiration stuff.

I can make movies. I love that. I love short artistic films where the cinematography is more important than the story, because I love being behind the camera more than anything. But movies are tough. You have to rely on other people. It's not just you doing it. It involves the actors, the sound person, the extras, the slate person. I'm not used to relying on other people. That's why I love my camera so much. It's just me and my camera.

It's also why I love nature and landscape photography. There isn't a subject. There isn't a model or a group of people. Nature is just there. It's not there for you. You can't tell a mountain what to do. You work with what you've got. No one frowns at you. And I love it. I love it with every fiber of my being.

I'll be alright.

What. Is. This. Post.

Blarghargah! I feel so inspired right now, but I can't do anything about it.

I could paint or draw right now, but my art supplies are all back in my dorm and I'm home for Thanksgiving.

I could write, but everyone in the world knows my love-hate relationship with writing. Right now, writing feels like a girl you can't stand but for some reason you still spend your time with her, because she's actually lots of fun. Bad analogy? You know it.

I want to take pictures right now, but it's night and I'm in my bedroom. What am I going to take pictures of, a lamp? (I've done it before. It's a sad day when all you can think of photographing is your lamp.) Plus, my film camera is back in my dorm room, and the digital SLR I ordered online is still on its way.

Oh, did I tell you I bought a fancy digital camera? I bought it with my birthday money.

Oh, did I forget to tell you it was my birthday? The 18th of November. I was going to write a blog post but I was busy being busy. It was a hectic day. Anyway, I'm 18 now. I turned 18 the 18th. Isn't that cool? It's exciting to finally be a legal adult. I can now vote (not like it matters at this point, because I missed the US election by 2 weeks. It's a touchy subject).

Why don't I ever bring my art supplies home with me?

Guys, I can't wait till my camera comes in. Then I can become one of those blogs that posts pretty pictures along with well-written blog posts. Well, almost. I follow lots of those blogs though, and I really like their style.

I'm listening to Frank Sinatra and he just said "damn". I'm very confused. I don't know why.

My head is just so full right now I can't even control myself. I need to watch Scrubs. It calms me down. Look for a really inspired post full of pseudo-artistic thoughts soon. COMING SOON TO A THEATRE NEAR YOU.

This has been a mess of rambles courtesy of Yana. I hope you enjoyed it. Have a nice day!

The Pauper...ish

I'm going to be really personal today. Really. This has been bothering me for a while, but it's honestly not something you can talk about to, well, anyone.

Today I'm going to talk about how uncomfortable it feels being a poor kid in a rich-kid school.

It seems like everyone at Cornell is super-rich. And why wouldn't they be? I mean, the Ivy League has always been the hub for children of aristocrats. That's the way it's always been. These colleges have been doing a good job of opening up to lower-income families by offering generous financial aid and covering expenses, but that doesn't make it any less uncomfortable to be surrounded by rich kids.

I've met several children of millionaires in the past couple of months. That's a big deal for me because, where I'm from, no one was anything above upper middle class.

I also checked the statistics, and only 14% of the Cornell student body receives Pell Grants. For those outside of the United States, Pell Grants are financial grants the government gives to low-income students. I'm going to generalize a bit, but this basically means that the majority of students pay full tuition, or close to that.

I guess the question here is so what? So what if everyone at Cornell is rich? Why should that matter? Why does it bother me? I guess the only answer I have is: I don't know why it bothers me. It shouldn't, I know that. But it makes me uncomfortable. It makes me feel insecure when someone talks to me about how they have a summer home in the mountains or how they paid $3,000 for their laptop. The worst was when a conversation came up about parents' incomes, and one kid said "yeah, my dad doesn't make that much. Only like $250,000 a year."

I'm sorry, but that's a lot to me.

I sincerely hope that this post doesn't offend anyone. In no way do I dislike those from high-income families. I mean, if you're nice, I'll like you. I won't judge you based on your income or how you dress or the things that you own or don't own. That's my philosophy. Just being around it so much and having people assume that you can relate to that kind of lifestyle makes me a little insecure.Yeah.

Beautiful 70 Degree Autumn Weather Thoughts

Today is stunning. I sat out here:

(taken on my phone)

And wrote in my journal, listening to the most beautiful music (this) and I felt more inspired than ever before. It was just the most heartwarming 15 minutes that I almost sobbed when I saw my battery dying. Without music, it wouldn't quite be the same. But anyway, I'll share an excerpt from my journal about what I was thinking during this time because I'm extremely proud of this writing.

Now I'm sitting on the Slope, watching the cars go by under the mountains, and tears well up in my eyes because the world is so flawless and I know that I'll forget that in a couple of months, when gray skies and white snow cloud my vision and the world turns black and white.

Everyone knows that eventually all songs end and the sun goes down and beauty dies, so you're left alone with a small spark of hope that sets you on fire. It feels like the most beautiful thing in the world and every fear goes away, and maybe the sun has set and the snow has started, but you stay the same. For you, it's still bright outside and the leaves are red and orange and gold and God, everything is so beautiful that you could just hug all the sad people in the world, so they'll feel it too.

The Romantic

I'm sorry, but this is going to be a very cheesy, lovey-dovey post.

Can I tell you about him? I just really really want to. I feel like I want to shout to the world about how perfect he is.

He was so reserved when I met him. So mellow. It took me forever to start talking to him because we’re so similar, and his shyness made me shy. I was so shy around him. But I’m opening up to him and it makes me so happy. I talk to him about things I don't think I could tell any other guy, and he knows what I mean.

He loves movies. He loves books. Even more, he loves talking about them. He has opinions. He has deep thoughts. He isn’t emotionless. He's intense. He's lost in his own world of thoughts and feelings and confusions, just like I am. I didn't think a guy could feel as much as he feels. I love that about him. He understands. He understands everything.

And he has this crooked smile. His teeth are so crooked. It makes him look sweet. I love it when he smiles. His face lights up and he looks like an excited little boy. I wish everyone in the world could stop for a second and just look at him when he smiles. He always looks a little sad, so I’m ecstatic when he looks genuinely happy.

And when he talks to me he has this small smile on his face. Not a huge smile. Just a little smile of content. I don’t know why, and I can’t figure it out, but when he’s listening to me talk it almost looks like he’s looking through my eyes into something deeper. With that content smile. I feel like the most important person in the world when he looks at me. Even when we're surrounded by people, he looks at me when I'm talking as if I'm the only person there.
 
I just, I just… I just like him so much.

All this and heaven too.

Things are going so well. I'm really starting to get a great group of friends. I'm having fun and laughing lots. The weather's always beautiful, even though it's autumn. The leaves are stunning. I sit on the grass on sunny days and look at the vast hills surrounding me.

I love studying at a certain coffee shop. It's a really cool place, filled with lots of artsy people and great music. I love coming down (it's in a basement) and seeing my friends there all the time.

I met a boy. He's absolutely wonderful. It feels like God just took every possible good thing and made it into a person. Every time I think about him I smile, and my friends think it's so adorable (haha). He makes me scribble "j'adore un garçon" in my French notebook. I count down the hours till I can see him again when I'm in class. Thankfully, he lives just down the hall.

I can't stop smiling, guys. It's so great.

Quick Complaining Time

My roommate is so weird.

She is so weird.

She comes in without a word and puts a massive stuffed panda on her head. On her head. Why? WHY?

She has 8 stuffed pandas on her bed. I counted.

Yes I like pandas. I adore certain animals, but you don't see me putting a stuffed toucan on my head.

It's just weird if you think about it. It's a weird kind of affection. Oh I love this panda so I'm going to put it on my head. It just looks odd. It looks as if she's trying to practice the art of balance.

And don't get me started on how her alarm goes off in the morning every time she goes to take a shower. I wanted to turn it off myself, but I didn't know how to shut that stupid phone up.

We're talking this huge

No just kidding. More like this.

Stuffed panda. On her head. A big bulky stuffed panda. I can't get over that.

Oh yeah, and she doesn't sleep. Always pleasant to fall asleep to the sound of her obnoxiously loud mouse clicking every freaking second.

Ugh, I better get a single next year.

Moments of revelation.

Tonight has been a revelation. I've realized a lot. I've realized I love what I'm doing. I love being behind the camera. I absolutely adore it.

As I finished editing a short video for my film class tonight, I felt an most enormous sense of accomplishment. To see all those long, useless clips come together into something meaningful; it was just the most exciting feeling. My little film is like my baby. I struggled to edit it. I chose what was important and what wasn't. I made something out of nothing. That's what it feels like.

I have so much work left to do tonight. It's stressing me out, but the fact that I spent my evening working on my film project makes everything more fun.

Don't get me wrong. Film isn't always fun. It's exhausting. It's frustrating. It's even horrible at times. It makes my neck and head ache. It turns me into a giant squid of anger. It takes up a ton of time. Sometimes it annoys me. But those moments when I've accomplished what felt so far away, when I look at what I've created, makes everything worth it.

Lots of cheesiness, I know, but I'm so excited.

Infinite

It's Saturday 11:49 PM and I am lying in bed. It is post-Perks. I am suffering from post-Perks.

I saw the movie, guys. After a year of waiting, I saw it tonight and it was the most wonderful and heartbreaking thing I have ever seen. It was beautiful. I didn't think the movie would compare to the book. I never think that movie adaptations compare to the book. But this one might have been better. I don't know. Maybe.

What amazed me is that it was directed and written by Stephen Chbosky. He had entire creative control over the movie. That is amazing. I firmly believe that that is why the movie was so fantastic. Every single important part was covered in such a wonderful way that I learned even more about the story. It's almost like it was a completely new story, yet the plot was followed.

This was one of my favorite scenes. I bet you can guess what it was.

I was so impressed with the acting too. The actors did a great job. Emma Watson especially. I completely forgot everything I knew about her acting history when I was watching her on screen. She did a great job with her American accent too. She really distinguished herself.

And Logan Lerman is just the most perfect human in the world. He was so marvelous I almost fell in love with him.

The movie was so emotional. So. Much. Crying. I was surrounded by sniffling people wiping their eyes every 5 seconds (not that I wasn't crying). And then at the end, everyone clapped. They actually applauded the film. I had never been more proud of humanity.

It's wonderful, guys. Whether you've read the book or not, please go see it. It's heartbreaking and life-changing.

How are you?

I cannot for the life of me understand that question.


This evening, I saw someone I only barely knew. I mean, we've talked a couple of times, but that's it. He said hello, and then asked "how are you?" How do you expect me to answer that question? The only way I could possibly answer that question is by saying "good" (yes, I know that's grammatically incorrect, but so is 'gonna' and that's not disappearing anytime soon). Even if I'm not good, why on Earth would I tell someone I barely know that? They would ask 'why' and then I would have to explain some personal story that they probably would rather not know.

Not that I have any reason to say I'm not doing well to that question. I actually was 'good' when I told them that. It's just something I thought about after I was asked that question. I completely understand if a close friend asks me 'how are you,' because I know them well and I would be able to honestly respond.

Same thing with what's up. Actually, not really. I still have no idea how to answer that question. All I ever say is "eh". Seriously. Hahaha.

The pleasant things

There are certain things that will make even the worst day a lovely one.

Things like:

-lying in bed, making playlists on Spotify
-reading The New Yorker
-listening to Simon & Garfunkel and New Order
-finally catching up on my homework (yes, really)
-whipping my camera out and taking pictures
-getting ideas for blog posts
-pumpkin-flavored anything
-when one of my drawings comes out well
-when I don't screw up on a watercolor
-wearing a nice sweater
-watching Seinfeld and/or Doctor Who

The past couple of weeks have been extremely rough. Seriously, I can't remember the last time I've been so stressed. Right now I'm trying to write an article for the Cornell Sun about Ellie Goulding's new album, but it's not working out well because the album still hasn't been released (stupid deadlines!). It's alright though, because soon I'm going to get tired and then I'll curl up in bed with a cup of tea and watch a couple episodes of Doctor Who.

Don't you hate when you have some free time and you're so unused to it that you don't know where to begin? Like you could read, or you could watch your favorite TV show, or you could go shopping, but it's just too difficult to pick one! It's hard being indecisive, but this is the best kind of indecisive.

Sometimes it's fun to be lazy.

Life drawing and stuff

This past Tuesday, I went to a life drawing class. Yes, really. I walked in and there was a naked girl posing on an armchair. Once I got over the initial shock of it, I went to work. I drew her in a few different poses. An hour later, I walked out, ecstatic.

Why am I telling you this? It's a bit of a bizarre subject, I know, but I think it's a great example of one of the many opportunities I have here at college. I love the fact that I can pursue art in different ways. Art is so important to me. I don't talk about it a lot to people, because it's a very personal subject to me. If you tell people that you like to draw or paint, they immediately want to see your work. I'm too shy to show people my work, though. I'm afraid I'll be judged negatively for it.

But anyway, I actually showed my life drawing sketches to a couple of people. I must have been feeling particularly confident. I was surprised when they told me my sketches were really good. Mind you, these are two people that are really honest, because they make art themselves. I showed it to them because I knew they would give me their honest opinions.

I don't seek attention. I didn't show them the sketches with the expectation that I would receive compliments about them. I was just really excited after that class because of how great of an opportunity it was and I wanted to share it with someone. You ever get that feeling? When something is so great and exciting and worthwhile that you just can't keep it to yourself?

Autumn in Ithaca is stunning

There's this guy that lives on my floor. He's a sophomore. He's wonderful. I'll leave it at that.

I'm also developing a strange interest in medieval culture. I listen to medieval music on Youtube and went to the library to check out the Lord of the Rings books (not medieval, but they always remind me of medieval culture). I read about medieval history. I play medieval games online (that part is particularly nerdy and embarrassing). I read medieval literature. I blame it on my King Arthur literature class. I adore King Arthur legends. Since I was a kid, they've fascinated me.

I stayed up till 2 AM Thursday night talking to people in my dorm's "library". (It's called a library because it has books but it's way too social to be considered a library.) We talked about religion and our theories of the universe and whether we have souls and all of this fascinating late-night discussion. I don't know why it was so memorable, but that night was so stressful that staying up late just having some interesting conversations was really what I imagined college would be like.

I'm rambled out. Maybe if I'm feeling brave one night, I'll upload some of my drawings on here.

The only living boy in New York

(The title's a reference to one of my favorite songs by one of my favorite bands, Simon and Garfunkel. Check 'em out, yo.)

GR GIANT SQUID OF FRUSTRATION IS RAGING OVER MY CONSTANT ROMANTICISM AND FANTASIES WHY WHY.

*ahem* I like Cornell a lot. It's a wonderful campus. It's large enough so that I don't feel stifled, and there's plenty to do. I'm already getting involved in a lot of fun activities. I joined a film club guys! I'm already in charge of cinematography. You don't even know how exciting that is.

My film class is also going well. My only complaint with it is that we don't get to do enough camera work, and that most of the upperclassmen like to take charge when we do assignments, thinking they know more because they're older. Like a few days ago, we were working on a film assignment, and I was behind the camera. I set up the shot, and it looked pretty great, if I do say so myself. I was excited to shoot it. Then one of the seemingly shy girls became extremely bossy and kicked me off the camera and sent me to be the "slate girl". The slate is that thing you see on movie sets (see below.)

How embarrassing.

And then she changes my shot, defying the rules of composition in the process! How dare she! I'm making it a goal to be more assertive in my film class. Freshman or not, I know what I'm doing and I'm not letting some pesky junior get in my way.

Classes are rough, man. They're eating me up. French and International Relations in particular. So much work! I'm being optimistic, though. I've been working harder the past week or two, so let's see how it goes. I have a French exam on Thursday, so we'll put my knowledge to the test.

I'm also thinking about visiting my close friend in New York City one of these weekends. She's having so much fun at NYU, and it always makes me smile in a sad way when she sends me a picture of something she knows I'd like in the City. Like last week, there was a lecture on Kerouac, and she showed me a picture of it. Then she told me about some of her experiences in Central Park, like listening to someone play music from Amelie on the accordion. She knows I adore that movie. It's always nice to know your friends know what you like, you know? (Haha, 3 uses of 'know' in one sentence.)

I sometimes wonder if maybe I should have gone to New York. I fantasize too much. Just a little thought.

The problem with reading

Don't worry, this post won't be complaining about reading. I could never do that! Reading is too dear to all of us.

There are two groups of reading: leisure reading and required reading. Leisure reading is of course the better of the two. It is pleasant and a great way to spend some (or all) of your free time. If I could only have one of the two groups, I would have leisure reading.

Required reading is the opposite. It's like eating your vegetables as a kid: you don't want to, but you have to. The problem is that unlike vegetables, who openly share the plate with chicken, required reading likes to monopolize. Once it has control, it won't let you read any other way. It's like a horrible parasite that you can't get rid of. And if, perchance, you decide to cheat just a little bit and do some leisure reading, required reading comes back in your mind and reminds you of your priorities.

This is my current dilemma. Wanting desperately to read The Lord of the Rings, but being chastised by the horrible 30-page "Reductionist and Systemic Theories". If you think it sounds dry, you've only reached the beginning.

Okay, maybe I did complain about reading. 

Just a thought

I shouldn't be blogging right now. I really shouldn't be blogging right now. I have so much work to do that if you put it all on top of my head, I'd break my neck.

I'm falling behind on the reading in one of my courses. I also have a terrible cold. The king of colds. The cold to end all colds. I also have a French test tomorrow. I haven't prepared. It's 10:23 PM as I'm writing this. My class is at 12:20 PM tomorrow. That's not much time.

I signed up to write for the Cornell Sun, the daily school newspaper. I'm currently a compet. That means that for 8 weeks, I'll be considered a writer-in-training and I'll have to write at least 4 articles to contribute. After that, the editors determine if I make the staff. *cue panic* I probably shouldn't be worrying, because they said that most people make it, but what if I don't? I will forever be ashamed of myself.

Can you believe there's a kind of cold that can't be fixed with tea? Since when does tea make a sore throat even more sore?

Anyway, here's the thought that motivated this jumbled blog post: how dare they remove the old Blogger interface! I don't know about you guys, but I still use the old one. I've tried to get used to the new one, but I just can't. It's ugly and confusing. This old one is much more comfortable to use.

Okay, back to work. I love you all and I promise I'll catch up on blogging (and vlogging, because my fellow Lightning Scars probably hate me) soon!

Oh happy day

Guys, college is pretty great.

Seriously, it's pretty great.

Tomorrow is the first day of classes. Oddly enough, I'm actually pretty excited. All of the classes I'm taking are pretty interesting. Currently I'm enrolled in Intro to International Relations, Astronomy, French, and a Medieval Literature Freshman Writing Seminar. I'm looking forward to them.

BUT WAIT. I lied. I'm taking one more course. I'm so excited about it that every time I think about it, I squeal like a little girl. An hour ago, I was given special permission to take a 300 level FILM-MAKING course. Yes, you heard me! A junior-level course on cinematography. Before today, I was disappointed because while my classes all seemed somewhat interesting, there was no class that I was seriously interested in. The rest of the courses I have are just to fulfill degree requirements. This film course is just because I want to. A group of us also took a tour of the performing arts center where all the classes are held and the film studios are awesome!

I'm a little nervous because I think I'm not qualified enough to take this course, but the directors of the program assured me there's nothing to worry about. I'll talk to the instructor tomorrow and see what he thinks. But right now, I feel as if my dream is coming true. I thought I'd have to wait another year before I could start to take some film courses, but it turns out that I can take them now.

I'm sorry for constantly pestering you guys about my passion for film and my dream of becoming a filmmaker, but it's just so exciting for me. I'll probably never become famous. I don't even know if I'm talented enough for it. We'll see. I'll update soon with some more details about college and how I'm doing in general.

So much confusion

I leave in less than 48 hours. Only 2 nights left at home.

I've been spending a lot of time this week hanging out with friends, which is bad because I really should be packing. I have so much left to do. My room is a disaster. I can't see my floor.

This entire week has been filled both with excitement and dread. I'm sure anyone that's experienced going away to college understands. Has anyone else struggled with oversensitive "oh-no-my-baby's-all-grown-up" mothers? She's bought me so much stuff, half of which I could have just as easily bought at any store in Ithaca. She bought me 3 bulk packs of snacks, even when I told her not to! I'm honestly embarrassed to even arrive on campus. Everyone will probably have brought half of the amount of stuff I'm bringing.

The dread of going away mostly comes from the fact that I don't want summer to end. I've been watching so many movies (not to mention all the Seinfeld reruns). I'm so unsure of how much free time I'll have in college. Will I have time to watch movies anymore? Will I have time to watch Seinfeld? (Yes, Seinfeld is my new obsession).

I'm throwing in a picture because there's too much text

I guess it's overwhelming because I've spent so many months putting the thought of college out of my head. I always thought "eh, it's still so far away, so there's no point in thinking about it". Yeah. Bad idea. Future college students: don't do that. It leaves you rushing the last week trying to find everything the stores ran out of a month ago.

The scary part is that there's this growing part of me that kind of wishes I'd gone to school in New York City. It's shocking, because I've wanted to go to Cornell for years. My friend from school is going to NYU, and the idea of living in the middle of Manhattan seems exciting. I guess I'm just jealous. I mean, I've always dreamt of living in a big city, and it's odd that I decided to go to college in a small town. I love Cornell, don't get me wrong. It's just...confusing, I guess.

On the bright side, I think I've decided that I'll be majoring in film. It's really exciting to imagine. I can feel that this is something that might just become my future.

One more week

In exactly one week, I'll be getting ready to spend my first night in college. I'll be living with a roommate, in a building surrounded by almost 200 other people. It's hard to even imagine.

Today I finally went shopping at Bed Bath and Beyond. I bought sheets and pillowcases and organizers and useless little trinkets. For the first time ever, I started to think about thread counts and sheet sizes and mattress dimensions. It's all very overwhelming.

I'm living in a fantastic dorm. I think that's what I'm most excited about. I'm living in a residence hall specifically devoted to the arts, and to arts-lovers. We have our own theatre with tons of annual theatrical productions. We have a darkroom, an art studio, a recording studio, an art shop, and several piano rooms. We have almost 200 people dedicated to theatre or art or music, or people that love surrounding themselves with those kinds of people.

Oh yeah, and it looks like a castle.

...with a dining hall that looks like the Great Hall.

...which also has an annual Harry Potter night, when four long tables are set up and everyone dresses up like wizards and witches.

This is what I have to look forward to. It's all hard to take in, but I'm actually very excited. I'm anxious and ecstatic for this new chapter of my life to begin.

Blog? What is a blog?

Hello blog. Nice to see you again. Have you been well?

And blogfriends. How are you all? I hope you've been enjoying your summer (or winter, if you live down in the Southern hemisphere).

I'm sorry I haven't blogged in over a month. What can I say, the time just flew by! It seems like just yesterday I was in London, navigating the Tube system.

Oh yeah, I was in Europe. I felt bad for not blogging at least once during my trip to talk about it, but I'm sure none of you really want to hear about it. Every time I mention Europe to my friends, they give me dirty looks until I quiet down.

Nevertheless, I'm still going to talk about it. What can I say about Europe, honestly? It's like the Harry Potter series: no words can sum it up. I'm convinced it's a magical place that leaves you wiser than you'd been before you arrived. This trip was full of so many unique experiences. It was so different from my trip to Europe 2 years ago. That trip was so planned, so organized. I was with a tour group, after all. This time, it was just me and my mom. I loved navigating the public transport systems, and talking to all the different people. On this trip, I really got to work on my people skills. I overcame my shyness at talking to strangers.

Paris-Seine River

It hasn't been long enough for me to understand just how much it's changed me, but on a particularly emotional evening sometime in mid-autumn you'll probably find a post from me about it.

Here are a few pictures:

I took a lot of pictures on my film camera, but showing some of them on here would require scanning, and I'm too lazy to do that right now.

So, enough about Europe for now. What's up with me? Well, I've been procrastinating on my college forms. It's awful and I'll definitely regret it, but I can't force myself to do those dreaded health forms. Ugh, I don't have any disease! Why is that not enough?

I've also been watching far too many movies. I saw "Moonrise Kingdom" today for the second time. I would absolutely recommend it to everyone. I've never seen a movie more than once in theatres, but this movie was worth every penny (*ahem* it was also $5 Movie Monday at the local indie theatre). I expected it to be cheesy, but it wasn't at all. The soundtrack is one of the best I've ever heard also.

I've been drawing a lot too. I might upload some of my drawings and sketches if I'm feeling brave. Who knows?

Three weeks till college. Hopefully I'll post more frequently until then.

I'm hopeless.

Guys, I realized something this week. Something awful and frustrating. Something I wish I'd never realized.

I want to be a filmmaker.

This is not a good thing. Not good at all. I think it's the most unrealistic and crazy dream I've ever had (even more unrealistic than when I wanted to get into Yale lol). I've been doing a lot of reflection and I think that I would love it a lot. The last month of school, my English class turned into a film study class. My teacher would teach us how to analyze film as an art. We learned all the film techniques and behind-the-scenes terminology that I'd never heard about before. I was so excited to learn about all of it that the day he handed out our film studies packet (full of vocab and explanations), I went home and I read all of it. I never do that.

I just love movies so much. They're so incredible. I love thinking about all the work behind it. The cameramen, the screenwriters, the director and 100 other people, all working behind the scenes to make everything perfect.

A couple days ago, I was in a used bookstore with my sister. There are two old men that are always working there, and somehow, we got talking. They asked me where I was going to school next year, and I said Cornell. They then asked me what I was going for. I said "probably international relations, but I secretly would love to study film". That started an entire conversation on films, with them asking who my favorite director was (Woody Allen) and then they decided to give me free classic films on VHS, piling up their favorites (King Kong, Arsenic and Old Lace, etc.). Long story short, I walked out with six films and a promise that I would come back soon.

A little picture to break up the long block of text. If I actually follow through with this plan, here's where I hope to go to grad school

Honestly, I think that was one of the best moments of my life. I've never really had anyone as obsessed with films as I am, so to be able to mention movie names and directors with the expectation that they would know them was the most amazing feeling.

Plus, I've been struggling recently with the idea that I might get stuck doing a job I don't love. I know that for some, that's okay, but for me, it's really important. It's something I'm going to do for over 40 years of my life! I want to make sure I enjoy doing it. I don't know if that's idealistic (it probably is), but that's me, I guess.

I told my mom about my dream and she laughed at me. "Oh, you and your crazy dreams". She thinks it's funny by now, because eventually all my dreams change with the realization that I won't make it in that field. But I have a strong feeling about this one, and it's frustrating to know I probably won't ever be talented enough to do it.

Self-promotion at its finest

Hi kids! My video has finally gone up today! I'm sorry my hair is a mess (post-3 hour nap here hehehe) and the sound quality is really weird, but I remember when Hank Green admitted that he and John made awful videos at the beginning too so I'm staying hopeful!

Anyways, I hope you've loved our first week of videos! The other 4 girls made fantastic videos, and it can only go up from here! Thanks to everyone for subscribing and watching, we really appreciate it.

Linky link

I have something interesting to tell you...

Hi, guys. I'm going to tell you something that's kind of hard to explain, so just bear with me.

I've decided to actually let all of you know that my name isn't actually Anna. It's Yana (pronounced like Yah-nah; you'd be amazed how people pronounce it). Anna's actually my middle name (Yana Anna, I know. Sounds weird, but blame my parents). You see, when I made this blog, I never actually thought I'd have followers and readers and friends on here. I kind of assumed I'd give up within a couple weeks when I would realize that no one reads my blog. I've always identified more with my middle name, because I was tired of being the kid with the weird name. For a while, I wanted to change my name and re-introduce myself as Anna, because I thought it'd make me feel more normal. Starting this blog with Anna as my name felt like the first step to that. It didn't feel like lying or anything, since I thought no one would see this blog. Plus, it's my middle name.

Anyway, as I started to become friends with a lot of you, I felt like I was keeping a secret. I don't know about anyone else, but I didn't like not telling the entire truth on my blog. My blog is the place where I feel most open and honest. I've actually been wanting to write this post for ages, but wasn't really sure how to. I mean, it's one of those things that is kind of hard to explain, so you just keep putting it off. I've talked to a lot of people about my name recently, and decided that I should really embrace it. I mean, it's unique, right? People don't forget it as easily, even though it's a little weird (seriously, who names their kid a name with a 'y'?!).

Of course, if anyone's extremely offended or annoyed by any of this, I completely understand if you unfollow me and never speak to me again. If not, I SWEAR I'LL MAKE IT UP TO YOU. I hope the transition isn't too bizarre. :P

Before you go, I have some more cool news for you: I'm now part of a collab vlog with Lexie, Allyson, Izzy, and Jen! We've been planning this for ages and we're all really excited to be starting. It's our first week. Lex is Monday, Izzy's Tuesday, Allyson's Wednesday, Jen's Thursday, and I'm Friday. We'd all love if you guys would check it out, and spread the word!

We're called: The5LightningScars

Thanks to all of you for being so awesome!

Do you guys want to know something interesting?

My mom has never heard of Mohandas Gandhi.

I'm hoping most of you have heard of Gandhi, because he's kind of a big deal. Whatever your thoughts are of him, I'm assuming you've heard of him. I don't know about other countries, but most school history classes around here talk about Gandhi. When I mentioned Gandhi to my mom once, assuming she knew about him, she gave me a confused look.

Mom: You mean the former president of India? (Indira Gandhi, who actually shared no relation to M. Gandhi)
Me: No, I mean the revolutionary leader, Mohandas Gandhi. You know, helped protest British rule in India? Nonviolence?
Mom: I've never heard of him. Was he important?
Me: Mom, you never learned about him? He's important to Indian history!
Mom: Well, we studied Indian history in school, but I don't know who this guy is.

I should probably mention my mom grew up in the Soviet Union. This was a huge shock to me, mostly because here, Gandhi is established as a significant leader of revolution and freedom. Of course it makes sense that she would never have heard of him in communist Soviet Russia! It feels like a direct encounter with Soviet censorship! I mean, I know that the Soviet Union had heavy censorship, but for my mom to not know the existence of this guy is so surprising. I feel like I'm peeking into a historical period that's beyond my time.

I don't know, maybe only history freaks like me find this fascinating. I thought it was interesting.

It's 100% official now.

I'M GOING TO EUROPE VFKLJGFJEROPICNBN!!!

I bought the plane tickets today. I'll be gone from Monday July 2 to Thursday July 12. Yes, I'm aware it's only 10 days. My friend commented on how short of a trip it is, but I don't think so at all. My last trip to Europe was 10 days, and it changed my life.

Anyway, my mom and I have planned it all out: 3 days in London (since the first day is just flying), 3 days in Paris, and 3 days in Amsterdam. We're flying into London and flying out from Amsterdam. Guysguysguys, LONDON. I've been waiting 3 years to go to London, and my dream is finally coming true! And Paris! I've missed Paris so much! I've been listening to French chansons and Parisian accordion music for weeks, and the only movies I've watched lately are based in Paris (Midnight in Paris, Amelie, Ratatouille, Hugo).

I'm really excited to go Amsterdam as well. Amsterdam is the main reason why we cut Belgium out of our trip. We realized we wanted to see more of Amsterdam, because it's a stunning city. It's one of the oldest cities in Europe (and that's saying something!).

Seriously, look at this beauty!

Just because I want to, I'm going to post pictures of London and Paris as well:

Ahhhhh I can't believe this is actually happening. I'm officially going to Europe in 39 days!

I apologize for this obnoxious post, but I can barely contain my excitement and I've already annoyed my family with my happy dances, so I had to post it somewhere else.

...Now the issue is waiting 39 days. But that leaves plenty of time to plan! I shall go to the library tomorrow and check out guidebooks.

Dancing the World Away.

Hi, everyone! Sorry for my absence since BEDA. I promise a new post will be up soon. Today, my teacher showed us a video that I think everyone should watch. Don't worry, it's not asking you to donate anything, but I can almost guarantee it will make you smile, no matter how bad your day was. :)

It's videos like this that remind me why I want to travel so much: for the people and the experiences. Let me know if you enjoyed the video!

I need a freaking fanfare.

BEDA's over. I can't say I'll miss it much. Maybe one day in September I'll realize how much I miss blogging every day, but not today.

I'm proud of myself. I actually got through with it, though 80% of my posts this month had some sort of BEDA complaining in it.

It's weird how long a month is, isn't it? A lot has happened this month. Some exciting stuff, some not-so-exciting stuff. It just feels like April was a lot longer than it seemed. Maybe BEDA was partially at fault for that. I don't know.

I'll kind of miss being able to blog about absolutely nothing, and still getting credit for a post. You can't do that outside of BEDA. Outside of BEDA, you have to have some structure or point to your post, or else you'll feel you wasted everyone's time. That's how I feel anyway. Maybe I'll actually miss blogging every day.

There's a monstrous fly zooming around my room being obnoxious. Someone get me a swatter.

Bye BEDA. It's been fun. See you next year. Maybe I'll appreciate you once you're gone.

By the way, you guys probably won't hear from me much this month. It's exam month for me, which means it's time for me to study. By study, I mean teach myself everything I was too lazy to learn this year. We'll see how it goes. Wish me luck!

I had an interesting day.

Today was a lovely day. The weather was the best we've had in weeks, so that was automatically a mood-lifter.

Some other sweet things happened today:

• The trees in my backyard are bright pink right now, so I went outside and took a bunch of pictures of them. It was great practice for my photography skills, and seeing all the honeybees swarming the budding pink trees reminded me of how lovely spring is. I really love photography.
• I started The Perks of Being a Wildflower yesterday, and finished it today. I even read it at work while I was supposed to be watching training videos (don't tell my bosses). Awesome book. I think you all would like it. It's very similar to Looking for Alaska.
• Today at work, an old man wearing a "The Who" shirt came through Drive-Thru. I complimented him on his shirt, and the look on his face was the best thing ever. He looked so surprised and amazed by what I said that he gave a big booming laugh. As I took his money, he said "you know who this is?" and pointed to his shirt. I grinned and said "of course". He gave me a huge smile as he drove away. I hope he went home and told his wife about it at the dinner table. I hope I showed him that this generation hasn't forgotten about the previous ones. I wish I knew more cool old people.

Overall, it was a pleasant day. Even work wasn't as annoying as usual. Tomorrow's an exciting day: my mom and dad finally come home from their one and a half month Russia trip, a new Lizzie Bennet Diaries video comes out (ARE THEY EVER GOING TO SHOW US BING AND/OR DARCY?), BEDA FINALLY ENDS, and this other little event is happening tomorrow that shouldn't really be that exciting so I'm not going to explain it. YAY FOR A POSITIVE MONDAY.

I wish I could say I'm planning something huge for the last day of BEDA, but it will probably be a picture of me sleeping or something. Reflection time comes...never.

Things that make me feel really excited and happy.

Sometimes I get this weird feeling. It's like that feeling you get when you're just beginning to go down the biggest hill on a roller coaster, and it becomes such a rush of ecstasy it's almost as if you're flying. I get it when I watch a really good movie, listen to a great song, or finish a life-changing book. It's been happening a lot recently, which feels almost like a miracle after a dreary winter. It's this powerful feeling of an exciting future. It's a satisfaction with life that leads into excitement. I get excited when I remember I have a whole life ahead of me, one full of cities and awesome people and life-changing experiences. I don't know, it's hard to explain. Words are never enough to explain what I feel most of the time. My mind's a never-ending stream-of-consciousness.

Anyway, ignore that weird first paragraph. Here's some stuff that have made me feel awesome recently.

These cities. I'm in love with the fact that I will see them all eventually (2/4 this summer!!!). I'm planning on living in either London or San Francisco when I grow up. Both have vibes I'm craving. You can define a person by the place they want to live. I'm positive these 2 cities fit me, just like NYC fits my close friend moving there. No arguments will convince me otherwise. They fit me for reasons no one would really understand. I still would love to have seen all 4 of these cities.

My favorite book, On the Road (Jack Kerouac). My friends laugh at me a lot about this because I only read it for the first time 3 months ago, but it affected me a lot. I see things differently because of it. There's a movie adaptation coming out in a couple months. If you guys ever have some free time, read the book and maybe see the movie (if it won't be horrible, but I'm betting it will be). :)

Hugo. I don't know why this is on the list, but it is. I saw Hugo in 3D yesterday and I loved it so much. The fact that it was in Paris, and in the early 20th century, and was all about films, and the effects, and just gofgjkgjkg it was so beautiful and heartwarming it left me feeling wonderful for the rest of the night because it reminded me of how important art is in my life.

This song. God, I can't remember the last song that affected me as much as this song has in the past couple of days. I must have listened to it at least 40 times just today, and when I was at work this evening, I was singing it my entire shift. It feels as if he's speaking to me in the chorus, telling me to hang in there and be strong. I don't know, it's just a really comforting song in this confused stage of my life when everything's changing so much.

The movie Midnight in Paris. I relate very much to it, especially with the frustrations of living in a current era. The filming of Paris is stunning, too. PLUS F. Scott Fitzgerald and Ernest Hemingway are in it! Paris, historical escapism, and writers?! How could I not like it?

I feel like this list is really superficial. Movies, books, music? When it all comes down to it, they're just material goods marketed for a profit, but I can't look at it that way. To me, they're art. They're life. They're things that show me how wonderful life is, and how great it feels to find that someone else sees things the same way you do. It's frustrating sometimes to not have anyone that quite understands how you view life. This stuff reminds me that there are people like me out there, which is why I'm so excited to get out there and find them.

(This post is kind of embarrassing. I mainly wrote it just because my mind felt it had to. I don't know if anyone relates to it or anything, but it's what preoccupies my thoughts right now. I hope it doesn't make anyone reading it uncomfortable. :( I JUST HAVE A LOT OF EMOTIONS GUYS OKAY?)

Ma personnalite.

A while ago I took this quiz. It's a psychology quiz that basically splits your personality into 4 different components based on your answers. My psychology teacher recommended it, and I wouldn't recommend it to you if I didn't think it was extremely accurate. It's almost bizarre how accurate it is.

There are a lot of types of personalities (I think there's 15 different ones obtained from the quiz), so it's really interesting to read about all of them and see the little things that make one person different from one another. An obvious argument might be that all humans are unique, so it's ridiculous to consider categorizing them, but I think that when you look closely, you'll see that each person's personality has characteristics that lean toward a particular description. If that wasn't true, I wouldn't have related to my personality description as much as I did.

I took the quiz and got INFP, which stands for Introverted, Intuition, Feeling, Perception. From the INFP Profile I read, it seems really accurate. It's kind of creepy how much they've described me.

"When it comes to the mundane details of life maintenance, INFPs are typically completely unaware of such things. They might go for long periods without noticing a stain on the carpet, but carefully and meticulously brush a speck of dust off of their project booklet."

^THIS. Seriously, I drive my mom crazy because I can walk by a basket of laundry without even noticing it, and then my mom yells at me for seeing it and not taking it upstairs. At the same time, I hate when my papers are bent or wrinkled or stained.

"INFPs have very high standards and are perfectionists. Consequently, they are usually hard on themselves, and don't give themselves enough credit. INFPs may have problems working on a project in a group, because their standards are likely to be higher than other members' of the group. In group situations, they may have a "control" problem."

I honestly hate working in groups because no one ever takes it as seriously as I do, so I end up doing most or all of the work. Last year, my English teacher gave us about 4 group essay writing projects, and I wrote all of them myself because I didn't trust anyone else in my group with my grade.

"Their primary goal is to find out their meaning in life. What is their purpose? How can they best serve humanity in their lives? They are idealists and perfectionists, who drive themselves hard in their quest for achieving the goals they have identified for themselves."

This is just spot on. It explains my search and career ambitions, and my fear of mediocrity in the future. 

And here's my favorite part:

"INFPs are usually talented writers. They may be awkward and uncomfortable with expressing themselves verbally, but have a wonderful ability to define and express what they're feeling on paper."

I wouldn't say I'm awkward at verbal expression, but most of my emotions do come out best when I write them. I oftentimes feel more eloquent when I'm writing about something than when I'm talking about it. I wouldn't say I'm a bad speaker, though.

Honestly, it's kind of refreshing to find something that helps me understand my quirks and traits. I hope that this helped you understand my bizarre self (as if anyone really cares except me haha). You guys should all take the quiz and tell me what you got (or not, if you feel it's private). I think it'd be a great way for us to look and understand each other's mind processes even the slightest bit more. :)

A Vicious, Terrifying Monster

Click 'da pic' to see da' chick.

(I am perfectly aware the above sentence is painfully lame, but I felt it was necessary to rhyme in slang. Next Lil Wayne right here, yo!)

(That second sentence almost rhymed! 'Lame' and 'slang'? Ha!)

(Okay, bye now.)

This is an awful excuse for a blog post. Don't even click on it.

That's it. I told you not to click on it.

FIVE MORE DAYS OF BEDA AND THEN I CAN NEVER WRITE AGAIN.

I almost died. No, really.

I'm still shaky from what happened tonight. I almost got into a serious car accident.

I was driving home from doing some studying at Panera Bread about an hour ago. Panera's on this busy central street, so a lot of the traffic lights are pretty close in distance to each other. Anyway, I saw the light was green ahead, but for some unexplainable reason, I zoned out for just one second. I don't even know what came over me. I swear, I zoned for one second. I think I was going about 50 mph. The next thing I knew, the traffic light was red and there was a car standing at the red light directly ahead of me. I immediately stepped on my brake, but I was so close to the car that I knew there was absolutely no way I would stop without hitting the car (and hit it hard). There wasn't even enough distance for me to brake to a slower speed.

In that moment, I was pretty much coming to terms with the fact that I was going to hit that car really hard, but my instincts suddenly told me to just swerve, and Lord, did I swerve. I swerved to the next lane to my right. Luckily, there was no car in that lane, or I would have had an equally bad accident. I swerved and came to a complete stop right next to the car I almost hit. I braked so hard that everything (including my laptop) in my car flew forward. I honestly don't even know how that swerving worked out. I moved so fast that I swear I should have ended up hitting a telephone pole. Somehow, I ended up perfectly in the right lane.

I've honestly never been more scared in my life than I was at that moment. I started shaking badly and I thought I was going to faint, I was so shocked. I couldn't drive, so I sat in some random church parking lot for 5 minutes, thanking God. I know 100% that I would have at least landed in the hospital if I had hit that car. I don't know how everything turned out fine. I've never had fantastic problem-solving skills, so it was the most shocking thing to just have my instincts completely take control in that moment. It felt like it wasn't even me who swerved. It felt as if my mind took complete control for a second.

I feel this mixture of humiliation and annoyance at myself. I always swore to myself I wouldn't be that idiot that involved others in a huge accident because of my carelessness, and I was exactly that person. At the moment when I should have gotten into that accident, I had a thousand thoughts running through my head, and I hate to admit that my biggest worry was "oh my God, please don't let me wreck this car. My parents are going to kill me!" and, immediately after, "oh my God, please don't let my laptop be broken. My parents are going to kill me!" Guys, I worried more about my useless things than I did my own life! I feel so disgusted with myself.

This post is really jumbled and poorly written, but I'm just too shocked still to think clearly. I don't know what to feel or think right now, but I honestly believe it was God that saved me. Thanks, God.

Randomrandomrandomrandom

I can't blog anymore. I'm just...gjfsoigjkjsvnhkjhjthrt. DIE BEDA DIE. Haha I brought this upon myself.

• Has anyone been watching the Lizzie Bennet Diaries on Youtube? It's a mini web-cam show that's kind of a modern Pride and Prejudice. I honestly love it. It's fantastic, and I can't wait to meet Darcy and Bing Lee (haha, I love that they broke up Bingley's name)
• My chem teacher is flying out to California from NY state just to see Coldplay live. He's the biggest fangirl ever. It's kind of hilarious. I hope I can do something crazy like that someday.
• Still in love with San Francisco. No one takes me seriously anymore because my city of choice changes so much. 
• Note to self: stop telling people your biggest dreams. After a while, they start to think you're ridiculous.
• My friends and I might take a road trip this summer. I don't really know where, but I hope it happens.
• This blog has been really complain-y the past week. Sorry guys. Blame BEDA.
• My friend introduced me to "Sherlock" (the show) today. I love it! It's fantastic.
• I'm so hungry I'm fantasizing about salad. I don't even like salad.
• My mommy comes home from Russia in a week! I'm actually surprised that I didn't miss her as much as I thought I would. It's terrible to admit, but at the same time I'm kind of relieved, because I know now that adjusting to life without parents in college won't be so hard.
• I wrote a blog post earlier, but deleted it. It was stupid.
• It's kind of scary how similar McFly's early music is to the Beatles' early music.
• 7 MORE DAYS OF BEDA AND THAT'S IT.
• I might just go and make cookies right now. It's almost 11 PM.
• On a major Oasis kick right now. Remind me why all good things must come to an end?
• Emma Stone looks spectacular in this picture:

•  Here, help yourself to some more James Franco

Confused Thoughts.

I hate the dreams I have when I'm asleep. It's like they're trolling me. Last night I had a dream I met this boy (who I don't remember ever seeing or meeting in real life) and the next thing I know, he was sitting on my roof at night playing me one of my favorite Oasis' songs on guitar and it was the most magical moment ever and for a moment, it felt real. Then I woke up and I was upset because my dreams are always fantastic and my life isn't nearly as beautiful as my dreams. I should really teach myself lucid dreaming. I'm tired of thinking my dreams are real.

I'm going through this really confused period where I don't know who I am or where I'm going or what I should do. It's hard to explain, but I feel like I'm stuck in the gap between having everything in my life handed to me and having to go out and get it myself. Like I just want someone to tell me who I am and what I'm supposed to be doing, but obviously no one's going to do that.

I feel as if everyone's discovered their "thing". You know, their talent; what makes them special. One of my friends is a brilliant artist, and got into an art program. Several of my other friends are brilliant and are going to major in things like engineering, neuroscience, etc. Another friend is moving to NYC to go to NYU, and watching her getting excited about going to school in Manhattan almost makes me want to go too. All my teachers tell her "oh, you were made to live in the City" and I just sit there, wishing someone could tell me something like that.

I have this one friend that's kind of confused about stuff too. He always texts me, expecting me to make his decisions for him. "Help me pick out which college to go to; help me figure out what to major in; I'm worried about getting a job after college". He expects me to help him figure out all of this stuff, as if I've got it all figured out. People are always expecting me to figure out their problems for them, but it's not like they'd dedicate more than a minute to my problems in return. It's not like I expect it from them anyway.

So many people are good at stuff. They're good at art, or writing, or music, or they're super-intelligent. I'm kind of...blah. I'm good at reading books and thinking about stuff, but you can't make much out of that.

Don't get me wrong, I love life. I adore it. I think it's exciting and beautiful and I can't wait to experience more of it. I just have so many dreams that sometimes they become kind of overwhelming. I want to move to a big city and travel and have a job that I adore and that I'm awesome at. I'll admit that one of my biggest dreams is to work in the UN, and one of my teachers fully believes I can do that, but seriously? The UN? Come on. And then there's people who are always asking me "so what are your future plans" or "where do you see yourself in 10 years" and I tell them "I have no idea whatsoever" and they give me the most worried look. Am I supposed to have figured this all out by now? At this point, all I know is I want to go on a road trip and see San Francisco and go to Europe and maybe seek some enlightenment along the way.

I probably come across as the most angsty and attention-seeking teenager in the world. I just had to get this out somewhere in writing. I definitely didn't write this post for attention, so I hope you won't be too put-off by my arrogance. :\