I'm hopeless.

Guys, I realized something this week. Something awful and frustrating. Something I wish I'd never realized.

I want to be a filmmaker.

This is not a good thing. Not good at all. I think it's the most unrealistic and crazy dream I've ever had (even more unrealistic than when I wanted to get into Yale lol). I've been doing a lot of reflection and I think that I would love it a lot. The last month of school, my English class turned into a film study class. My teacher would teach us how to analyze film as an art. We learned all the film techniques and behind-the-scenes terminology that I'd never heard about before. I was so excited to learn about all of it that the day he handed out our film studies packet (full of vocab and explanations), I went home and I read all of it. I never do that.

I just love movies so much. They're so incredible. I love thinking about all the work behind it. The cameramen, the screenwriters, the director and 100 other people, all working behind the scenes to make everything perfect.

A couple days ago, I was in a used bookstore with my sister. There are two old men that are always working there, and somehow, we got talking. They asked me where I was going to school next year, and I said Cornell. They then asked me what I was going for. I said "probably international relations, but I secretly would love to study film". That started an entire conversation on films, with them asking who my favorite director was (Woody Allen) and then they decided to give me free classic films on VHS, piling up their favorites (King Kong, Arsenic and Old Lace, etc.). Long story short, I walked out with six films and a promise that I would come back soon.

A little picture to break up the long block of text. If I actually follow through with this plan, here's where I hope to go to grad school

Honestly, I think that was one of the best moments of my life. I've never really had anyone as obsessed with films as I am, so to be able to mention movie names and directors with the expectation that they would know them was the most amazing feeling.

Plus, I've been struggling recently with the idea that I might get stuck doing a job I don't love. I know that for some, that's okay, but for me, it's really important. It's something I'm going to do for over 40 years of my life! I want to make sure I enjoy doing it. I don't know if that's idealistic (it probably is), but that's me, I guess.

I told my mom about my dream and she laughed at me. "Oh, you and your crazy dreams". She thinks it's funny by now, because eventually all my dreams change with the realization that I won't make it in that field. But I have a strong feeling about this one, and it's frustrating to know I probably won't ever be talented enough to do it.