I'm hopeless.

Guys, I realized something this week. Something awful and frustrating. Something I wish I'd never realized.

I want to be a filmmaker.

This is not a good thing. Not good at all. I think it's the most unrealistic and crazy dream I've ever had (even more unrealistic than when I wanted to get into Yale lol). I've been doing a lot of reflection and I think that I would love it a lot. The last month of school, my English class turned into a film study class. My teacher would teach us how to analyze film as an art. We learned all the film techniques and behind-the-scenes terminology that I'd never heard about before. I was so excited to learn about all of it that the day he handed out our film studies packet (full of vocab and explanations), I went home and I read all of it. I never do that.

I just love movies so much. They're so incredible. I love thinking about all the work behind it. The cameramen, the screenwriters, the director and 100 other people, all working behind the scenes to make everything perfect.

A couple days ago, I was in a used bookstore with my sister. There are two old men that are always working there, and somehow, we got talking. They asked me where I was going to school next year, and I said Cornell. They then asked me what I was going for. I said "probably international relations, but I secretly would love to study film". That started an entire conversation on films, with them asking who my favorite director was (Woody Allen) and then they decided to give me free classic films on VHS, piling up their favorites (King Kong, Arsenic and Old Lace, etc.). Long story short, I walked out with six films and a promise that I would come back soon.

A little picture to break up the long block of text. If I actually follow through with this plan, here's where I hope to go to grad school

Honestly, I think that was one of the best moments of my life. I've never really had anyone as obsessed with films as I am, so to be able to mention movie names and directors with the expectation that they would know them was the most amazing feeling.

Plus, I've been struggling recently with the idea that I might get stuck doing a job I don't love. I know that for some, that's okay, but for me, it's really important. It's something I'm going to do for over 40 years of my life! I want to make sure I enjoy doing it. I don't know if that's idealistic (it probably is), but that's me, I guess.

I told my mom about my dream and she laughed at me. "Oh, you and your crazy dreams". She thinks it's funny by now, because eventually all my dreams change with the realization that I won't make it in that field. But I have a strong feeling about this one, and it's frustrating to know I probably won't ever be talented enough to do it.

Self-promotion at its finest

Hi kids! My video has finally gone up today! I'm sorry my hair is a mess (post-3 hour nap here hehehe) and the sound quality is really weird, but I remember when Hank Green admitted that he and John made awful videos at the beginning too so I'm staying hopeful!

Anyways, I hope you've loved our first week of videos! The other 4 girls made fantastic videos, and it can only go up from here! Thanks to everyone for subscribing and watching, we really appreciate it.

Linky link

I have something interesting to tell you...

Hi, guys. I'm going to tell you something that's kind of hard to explain, so just bear with me.

I've decided to actually let all of you know that my name isn't actually Anna. It's Yana (pronounced like Yah-nah; you'd be amazed how people pronounce it). Anna's actually my middle name (Yana Anna, I know. Sounds weird, but blame my parents). You see, when I made this blog, I never actually thought I'd have followers and readers and friends on here. I kind of assumed I'd give up within a couple weeks when I would realize that no one reads my blog. I've always identified more with my middle name, because I was tired of being the kid with the weird name. For a while, I wanted to change my name and re-introduce myself as Anna, because I thought it'd make me feel more normal. Starting this blog with Anna as my name felt like the first step to that. It didn't feel like lying or anything, since I thought no one would see this blog. Plus, it's my middle name.

Anyway, as I started to become friends with a lot of you, I felt like I was keeping a secret. I don't know about anyone else, but I didn't like not telling the entire truth on my blog. My blog is the place where I feel most open and honest. I've actually been wanting to write this post for ages, but wasn't really sure how to. I mean, it's one of those things that is kind of hard to explain, so you just keep putting it off. I've talked to a lot of people about my name recently, and decided that I should really embrace it. I mean, it's unique, right? People don't forget it as easily, even though it's a little weird (seriously, who names their kid a name with a 'y'?!).

Of course, if anyone's extremely offended or annoyed by any of this, I completely understand if you unfollow me and never speak to me again. If not, I SWEAR I'LL MAKE IT UP TO YOU. I hope the transition isn't too bizarre. :P

Before you go, I have some more cool news for you: I'm now part of a collab vlog with Lexie, Allyson, Izzy, and Jen! We've been planning this for ages and we're all really excited to be starting. It's our first week. Lex is Monday, Izzy's Tuesday, Allyson's Wednesday, Jen's Thursday, and I'm Friday. We'd all love if you guys would check it out, and spread the word!

We're called: The5LightningScars

Thanks to all of you for being so awesome!