Sunday, April 22, 2012

Confused Thoughts.

I hate the dreams I have when I'm asleep. It's like they're trolling me. Last night I had a dream I met this boy (who I don't remember ever seeing or meeting in real life) and the next thing I know, he was sitting on my roof at night playing me one of my favorite Oasis' songs on guitar and it was the most magical moment ever and for a moment, it felt real. Then I woke up and I was upset because my dreams are always fantastic and my life isn't nearly as beautiful as my dreams. I should really teach myself lucid dreaming. I'm tired of thinking my dreams are real.

I'm going through this really confused period where I don't know who I am or where I'm going or what I should do. It's hard to explain, but I feel like I'm stuck in the gap between having everything in my life handed to me and having to go out and get it myself. Like I just want someone to tell me who I am and what I'm supposed to be doing, but obviously no one's going to do that.

I feel as if everyone's discovered their "thing". You know, their talent; what makes them special. One of my friends is a brilliant artist, and got into an art program. Several of my other friends are brilliant and are going to major in things like engineering, neuroscience, etc. Another friend is moving to NYC to go to NYU, and watching her getting excited about going to school in Manhattan almost makes me want to go too. All my teachers tell her "oh, you were made to live in the City" and I just sit there, wishing someone could tell me something like that.

I have this one friend that's kind of confused about stuff too. He always texts me, expecting me to make his decisions for him. "Help me pick out which college to go to; help me figure out what to major in; I'm worried about getting a job after college". He expects me to help him figure out all of this stuff, as if I've got it all figured out. People are always expecting me to figure out their problems for them, but it's not like they'd dedicate more than a minute to my problems in return. It's not like I expect it from them anyway.

So many people are good at stuff. They're good at art, or writing, or music, or they're super-intelligent. I'm kind of...blah. I'm good at reading books and thinking about stuff, but you can't make much out of that.

Don't get me wrong, I love life. I adore it. I think it's exciting and beautiful and I can't wait to experience more of it. I just have so many dreams that sometimes they become kind of overwhelming. I want to move to a big city and travel and have a job that I adore and that I'm awesome at. I'll admit that one of my biggest dreams is to work in the UN, and one of my teachers fully believes I can do that, but seriously? The UN? Come on. And then there's people who are always asking me "so what are your future plans" or "where do you see yourself in 10 years" and I tell them "I have no idea whatsoever" and they give me the most worried look. Am I supposed to have figured this all out by now? At this point, all I know is I want to go on a road trip and see San Francisco and go to Europe and maybe seek some enlightenment along the way.

I probably come across as the most angsty and attention-seeking teenager in the world. I just had to get this out somewhere in writing. I definitely didn't write this post for attention, so I hope you won't be too put-off by my arrogance. :\


  1. I'm in my final year of uni. Even now, when someone ask me where I see myself in ten years, I get this blank look on my face. Haha. God. You'll eventually work out what you want. Chooooose wisely. Believe in your dreams.

  2. My cousin struggles with the same thing and one day, when he layed out his problems to someone I deem rather wise, this someone told him: "It doesn't matter what you want to be when you grow up. Most people don't end up being what they wanted to be in the first place. What's important that you do stuff you enjoy now." So if that involves art class, take art classes. If that involves philosophy, take philosophy classes (as little as I know you, I honestly think philosophy may be an option to seriously consider, excuse my frankness). Or whatever, you know? If you want to drop out and work at the McDonald's for a year, do so. Whatever makes you happy.

  3. I still have no idea what I want to do job/career wise. All I know is that I want a family of my own and to travel lol!

  4. I wouldn't worry about it at all. Knowing you want to travel is more than a lot of people anyway. You don't sound like an angsty teenager!

  5. I was wondering what the hell I'd do with myself after highschool. I wasn't sure either what I was good at and what I wanted to do. I was so unsure, I even seriously considered joining the military if nothing presented itself.

    I kind of just jumped into doing IT at uni because I was decent at computers. And then I just rolled with that. The IT job I have now isn't my dream job, but I'm reasonably content. Also, to me, a job is just a means to an end. I don't want it defining me or taking up too much of my life. I just want to use it as a way to earn money and spend that money doing things for me and doing the things I like.

    In that sense, as long as I'm relatively satisfied with my job I don't care what I'm doing; I just want to make sure I enjoy and get the most out of life. So yeah, the job doesn't matter to me... just the return I get from it.

    Also, you're young. You shouldn't expect to find your ideal job/role right away. It can take years before people find something they really want to to and also happen to be good at. So take the pressure off. You'll be fine.


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