Sunday, February 12, 2012

I really want a ukelele.

Last night I had a dream that (young, hot) John Lennon was my boyfriend. It was bizarre. John's not even my favorite Beatle. George is. And then, at the end of my dream, John died and I was devastated. It was weird experiencing this deep grief for some guy that I apparently loved in my dream. These kinds of dreams have been happening a lot lately. I keep falling in love with famous people in my dreams, but it's never fulfilling. They either die or I wake up before something good happens. I wonder what it means. It's almost like a constant reminder that I'm forever alone! :D

Guys, I'm so scared. I'm scared that I won't make any friends in college next year. I've had the same group of friends for 3 years. Any new friends I've made are because all of us are in the same classes. I don't know how to make friends outside of that anymore. I don't know how to make small talk, which is apparently an essential part of forming new friendships.

I lost a lot of friends I had at my church last winter because I was in a rut. I expected they would understand and be waiting for me when I returned to normal in the spring because that's what true friends do (which I thought they were). They didn't. Their lives went on. They grew closer and left me behind. I gave up on those church friends, and gave up on having friends at that place at all anymore. Losing friends you were previously close with has an enormous impact on you, though. Every time you go back and see them, it terrorizes you. You go home feeling worse than ever.
I just want to leave, forget they ever existed, and never see them again.

On top of that, my group of friends that I love dearly is going through a rough time. We've all been more tense and irritable, and not a day goes by in school that at least one mini-argument doesn't occur within the group. One day it's me and one friend. Another day it's another friend and her closest friend. It's scaring me, because we've never had such conflict. We're all so stressed though with all this overwhelming schoolwork, and maybe even tired of seeing each other all the time. Seeing each other every single day for the majority of the past 3 years gets annoying.

I'm hoping things will get better, but it all comes back to my fear of next year. My childhood and younger teen years, I suffered from two parasitic friendships that changed me. I lost any other friends I'd had for reasons I'm not entirely sure of. Up until sophomore year, I'd never had a great group of friends. Now, with everything that's happening and college looming in the near future, I'm wondering if I'll ever find the true friends everyone claims to have, or if I'm just destined to end up alone. But being alone is my greatest fear. You have no idea how much it terrifies me.

I'm starting to think there's something wrong with me. I either choose friends that take advantage of me, or I'm not good enough for them because they drop me entirely. I don't know why.

Don't mind me. I'm off to listen to Paul McCartney's new album...well, just because.

I'm also watching the Grammy's. Foster the People was amazing. As were the Beach Boys. And Macca. Oh  they made my night.

This band. Ugh. I've dreamt about them too.
Taylor Swift's performance sucks. Hey Taylor, I'ma let you finish but Paul McCartney had one of the best Grammy performances of ALL TIME. :D


  1. Aww Anna! *hugs*
    I'm not gonna lie, making friends is hard. At least it is for me because I jostle between wanting them and wanting to be on my own.

    I'm sure you will make lots of new friends and not be a loner like me :)

  2. I hate small talk and it took me a long time to learn how to do it. I still suck at making new friends too, especially if I don't have another friend with me who's more outgoing than I am.

    Starting with 'hi, where are you from?' could be an ice breaker. Find out what it's like in their state and they'll ask you back and it'll go from there :)

    1. I went and looked at the performances. I thought Taylor Swift did okay, though I'm not a fan. Whenever she sings live to me she sounds flat, though I can't tell if it's me or the quality of her voice.

  3. You will be okay, I know it. I fear being alone, too. I think everyone fears it. The only thing I can tell you from personal experience is this: you are stronger than you realize; have faith in yourself.

    The Beach Boys ROCKED that Grammy stage! They sounded incredible! It's like they schooled the new generation of musicians. lol

    I didn't understand Nickie Minaj. What was that? And I really don't get why Chris Brown had TWO performances. I mean, why?

    Paul McCartney was AWESOME! I thought Jennifer Hudson did a beautiful tribute to Whitney Houston, too.

    1. My theory about Chris Brown is that he's desperate to make a comeback to the music industry, so maybe he worked with the Grammy people to get him to perform twice. It's a musical conspiracy. And I agree, the Beach Boys were FANTASTIC! I was so excited to see them. Jennifer Hudson's performance was beautiful too.

      Oh Nikki Minaj. No words, no words. :D


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