Today's rant will be about small towns. Yay, small towns!
Actually, no. Curse small towns. Small towns are the reason I finally got my car registered today, but have nowhere to go. Small towns are the reason I spend a ton of money at the bookstore because I don't know what else there is to do nearby. Small towns are the reason I have to drive half an hour to get to a theatre that plays movies worth seeing.
I'm in one of those moods tonight where I'm desperate to go out somewhere simply for the sake of going out. I'm on break from school this week, and it's been pretty uneventful so far. I want to see a movie, but all the major movies playing right now are hopelessly lame. Seriously, The Vow? Sounds like a cheap Nicholas Sparks remake.
I could be doing homework right now, but I'm trying to enjoy at least part of my break. It doesn't seem to be working, though, because I know I should be doing something more important, like the 1000 projects I was assigned to do over this one-week period. It's close to making me cry.
Guys, I'm so frustrated with my life. I'm so unbearably angry at being assigned at least one project in each of my classes. I'd rather be at school with the average night's homework than all of this awful work I'm expected to have finished by the end of this week. My mind is so exhausted from all of this continuous work. I don't know what a break is, because I'm never given one. I have literally prayed for the flu or mono or something that could give me some form of relaxation, even if distorted. I know that's an awful thing to admit, but that's how tired I am.
I feel embarrassed with myself, how much I've been alone recently. My friends and I have almost stopped hanging out outside of school because we're so tired of being around each other. I think we're afraid that if we hang out with each other, the constant reminder that we have schoolwork to do will come back to haunt us and we'll return to our tense and stressed selves. But I miss them. I mean, I enjoy being alone a lot, but sometimes my brain tells me that this is not normal; that I shouldn't be content with being alone and I should feel guilty. That's how I feel right now. I feel guilty for not being normal enough to go out with friends and do nonsense when I really just feel like watching a movie right now.
I know my depressing posts are depressing anyone who bothers to read my blog anymore. I suppose I'm just searching for someone to listen to me and say: "Hey, you know what? I care. You're wonderful." I don't know if honest and caring people exist like that anymore, though. Don't worry, I'm not expecting that from any of you. I'm really not. I guess sometimes my blog's kind of therapeutic for me. I write because it makes me feel better.
Sorry, blogfriends. I know I'm irritating.
Hey, you know what? I care. You're awesome. Everybody gets depressed, not just you. And those of us lucky enough to have blogs vent in them. Nothing wrong in that.
ReplyDeleteI getcha. I've been feeling awful lately too :-/ Maybe it's the winter?
ReplyDelete~Stephanie
What are you actually angry about? Actresses and small towns, school work and friends. Is that really the problem?
ReplyDeleteI won't say "you're wonderful" to any of my friends when they're pissed off but I will say "I care." Both you and Stephanie above have been really down lately and it's actually worrying me.
I liked being alone as well, and liked the idea of spending the weekends at home and just zoning out.
ReplyDeleteBut then my social life kind of tanked and I realised I was just stagnating at home and getting left out of things - I didn't really get invited to hang out with mates because they assumed I was doing something else or that I was uninterested.
So I started actively being more social and going out more and doing more stuff, and it's been great. I do something outside of home pretty much every weekend now, and I feel a lot better getting out of the house and doing something.
Being alone is still great, that's never changed for me; but being around friends and just getting out and chillin' is great too. When you find the balance, it's all good yo.
Sounds like you're having a pretty shitty time Anna, I'm sorry :(
ReplyDeleteI hope you're okay. Everyone gets down and it's definitely, definitely not annoying.
ReplyDeleteYou are not irritating at all, and we do care about you, so never apologize.
ReplyDeleteLet me tell you, I've been there, completely consumed with work, to the point that I felt like I was drowning. And then you have the people who expect you to handle everything because you always do, usually with a smile. They don't see the wreck it's causing inside because you don't show it. It's like that old saying, "Never let 'em see ya sweat."
Here's the thing: The fact that you feel this way, and are willing to articulate it, means you will come through these feelings just fine, and probably stronger than before. I look back now and see that with each time I felt overwhelmed, I grew a little stronger. It's hard to see, I know, but it's true.
Still, sometimes you need a break. Remove it all from your mind. Watch a movie marathon (like Harry Potter), read a book, etc. Just get lost in something wonderful.
If you need to talk or just vent, please don't hesitate to send me an e-mail.
*Hugs*
I go with The Frisky Virgin, you're not irritating at all. In fact, a few hours ago I commented on a blog post from someone who apologized for being a "Debbie Downer". I think in the blogosphere, with all this "plastic happiness" it's refreshing to read blogs from people who are not afraid to admit they're not always feeling good and that they're having a bad day.
ReplyDeleteAs for the alone part, I know just what you mean!!! I love being alone too, but my brain tells me (too!) that this is not normal and that I should feel guilty for it! No idea where it comes from, although I do have a hunch.
I'd say watch that movie and stop feeling guilty. You're as normal as everyone.
P.S. You reminded me I should continue my homework too.