Hey Bulldog!

First, I wanted to thank everyone for their comments on my last post. They truly helped. You all are so awesome, I can't even attempt to put it in words. Thanks for your support, help, and advice. I appreciate it so much.

Anyway, I had a great night. One of my close friends had a birthday party, and she originally invited about 14 people, but only 6 could come, so it ended up being all of my closest friends and our best guy friend, just like last year. It was the perfect number of people and we had a lot of fun. No tension whatsoever; just a lot of laughing and cake. Just like old times. What a great end to a break.

I'm not really sure what has been causing the tension the past few months, but tonight it all melted away. I guess some of us are taking our personal struggles out on each other. One friend has fallen into a deep depression, which I guess is causing her moodiness. It's difficult trying to deal with her sometimes, because she takes her anger on us even if we did nothing to her. Two other friends are too preoccupied with a fandom to bother living in the real world. They could discuss this manga they obsess over for hours a day. It gets a bit irritating. I don't know, but I still love all of my friends and even if we irritate each other, I think we all recognize how important we are to each other.

Something one of my more honest friends has told me the past few days is interesting. Today, I was talking about how I'm very interested in hippie culture right now and how I find acid (LSD) to be intriguing. I didn't mean intriguing as in I would consider taking it, but I think it's kind of fascinating. My friends obviously thought that this was not something healthy to find intriguing, and this one friend said she wouldn't be surprised to see me taking acid. Surprised, I asked "do I seem like someone who would become a druggie?" Apparently, I do.

This is actually quite shocking to me. I've always been curious to see what kind of person I am in the eyes of others, especially people who know me well. I know that my friends find some of my interests to be a bit bizarre, but to think of me as someone who would take acid? I don't really know what to make of that.

Another thing I've been told is that apparently I'm quite an indifferent person. I give a vibe of "I don't give a shit" about everything. This completely threw me off because I've always thought myself as someone who overreacts to everything. I guess, in a way, maybe I have become someone who doesn't care about things that are unimportant anymore. My whole life I have been someone who took things too seriously, who worried incessantly and all that nonsense. I suppose now I care about few things, because I'm trying to lower my stress level in any way I can. I know what severe stress is, to the point where I developed a stammer as a result that I haven't entirely lost. Being indifferent to most things is my way of avoiding unnecessary stress.

I really don't think I'm indifferent, though. I think my friends are completely wrong. I may give a front of not caring about anything, but I actually do. I care very deeply. I feel things very complexly. Sometimes I have so much emotion, I have no idea what to do with it all. I don't know how to entrust people with my emotions, though, which prevents me from showing how much I care about everything. I can't tell people about what I feel and how I feel, because I'm afraid they'll shut me down or look at me so differently that I'll feel uncomfortable around them. That's why I blog, and (very, very, rarely) write poetry. I'm not a verbal person, even though I wish I was sometimes. I'd rather write something out and have my friends read it and process it in their own way than express something in words out loud. But that also could be because I jumble up my words when I speak and end up sounding like a fool.

There's a deeper look into my thoughts for you all. I'm not sure how you'll take it, but I'm working on being more honest, both with myself and with others.