Does anyone ever feel like they were born in the wrong place? Like where they are isn't where they're supposed to be?
I do. I feel so completely out of place here. I feel like I was born in the wrong place, the wrong family, the wrong everything. I can't stand it here. I really can't. I feel like my life's wasting away. Everything I want to do, I can't.
Explanation? Ah, where to start? I was born into a very conservative Russian Protestant family, where everything is a goddamn sin. Going to concerts, dancing, listening to non-Christian music, playing cards, getting your ears pierced, wearing shorts, wearing sleeveless dresses, wearing any jewelry, the list goes on forever. We go to a church that enforces everything listed above. Nowhere in the Bible does it even begin to state that it's a sin to do any of those things. I just can't take it. Back when I was a naive younger teenager (up to 15), I guess I was okay with it. Now I'm just hanging on a thin thread of patience.
The worst part? They are so against religion. "Oh, it is about a relationship with Jesus, not following the rules of religion". Are you fucking kidding me? You have more fucking laws than the Jews of the Old Testament! It's all because of your stupid rules. WE DO NOT LIVE IN THE 19th CENTURY! I'm tired of feeling like I should poke my eye out from the guilt of missing one church service. No where in the Bible does it state "thou shalt go to church 5 times a week".
I want to leave so badly, but I can't. My mom won't let me leave town; not even for college. I don't have the heart to tell her that the thought of staying here for college makes me want to lock myself in my room forever and sob. How do you tell your mother that you no longer want to live with her? That's how she thinks of it. just don't know how to explain that if I stay here, I'll never get a chance for freedom. Basically, if I stay here for college, I'll live with my parents until I get married, when I'll live with my husband. I have no say in what college I go to. My mom has made that explicitly clear.
What about what I want?
Oh, and you all will absolutely LOVE this part. I must marry someone of Russian blood. I have no choice. If I don't, I will basically be shunned by everyone in my church and be known as a disgrace. They cannot be American, they cannot be English, French, German, Swedish, you name it. If they do not know the Russian ways and speak the Russian language, I am forbidden to marry them. It really makes me want to cry. What if I fall in love with someone who isn't Russian? Am I supposed to tell them I can never be with them?
I mean, maybe if I liked the guys in my church, it'd be alright. But I don't. They're all arrogant assholes who don't understand anything. Education is nothing to them, their music taste is boring and they're content to remain here for the rest of their lives. All three of those things are so important to me. I couldn't imagine ever marrying any of them. What if I don't want to marry a conservative Christian?
Why can't I be in control of my own life? Why can't I choose the place where I receive my education? Why can't I marry whoever the hell I want? Why did I have to beg my mom for a week for her to let me keep a poster of The Beatles on my wall?
Guys, I'm really sorry for this post. I know you really don't want to hear my complaining and ranting, but I really had to type it all out. I felt like I was about to burst. I really don't have anyone else to talk with about this, because no one fully understands and I always feel really stupid writing anything in a journal (no offense meant to anyone who does). If any of you have any advice, I would really appreciate it. Again, I'm sorry.