Thursday, June 23, 2011

Ah, Paranoia.

Today is one of those days. The day where I'm convinced that I'm a complete idiot and won't get into any college that I apply to because I'm not good enough. I can almost see the big bold word of REJECTION.

Can you believe it? School has just ended, and already I'm worrying about next year. Because next year is when I start all those stupid college applications (which are all due by freaking January 1st; so much for a lovely Christmas holiday). I don't even know where I'm applying. They (and by "they" I mean the stupid useless college help websites) recommend at least a handful of choices, but I can only think of two. One that's about 20 minutes from here, and then Cornell University.

I don't even know why I'm applying there. You have to be the son of a god to get in (or at least rich enough to donate a library to them). Maybe it's because it's the only place I think I'd ever want to go. I know so much about it, and it's only a couple hours from home. I know I won't get in though.

Looking back on this school year, I've realized something. It. Was. Hell. I worked so freaking hard, and I guess that reflects on my grades because they were the highest they've ever been. But my problem is I'm a perfectionist. For me, nothing is ever good enough. I got a 96 on a test? Well, why didn't I get a 98? I got a 98? Well, why didn't I get 100? It kills me, but I can't really change it.

And this whole year, I've just been asking myself, is it even worth it? I subjected myself to extremely high loads of stress (by my own choice, taking all those stupid advanced classes), but is all this work even going to matter? I won't get into my dream college anyways, and I'm just convinced I won't get into any college I even consider.

I walked into school at the beginning of junior year a happy, life-loving girl. I walked out at the end of the year with huge bags under my eyes and a hole in my heart. I miss the old me.

Sorry for this extremely depressing post, I just really had to get that off my chest.


  1. Can I just say, I totally hear you. I subjected myself to tons of pressure to make A's and sometimes I wonder why. Good luck with applications... I know I'm going to need a ton of it as well!

  2. I completely get where you're coming from. It's a pretty scary and confusing thought that we'll have to be looking at universities real soon! Eek, I'm the same, ugh, school can be so draining, but keep your chin up lovely! <3

  3. I totally know what you mean. I just graduated, but this year is insane. I'm such a nerd, so I'm a really hard worker. But a lot of my friends are even crazier. They survive on 4 hours of sleep each night and NEED to get 100% on everything. They're not very happy and (shh!) not that fun to be around.

    At the end of the year, my friend (who gets insanely high marks with little sleep/ happiness) said something to the effect of: "I'm not sure if it was worth it. I mean, I got into my schools, but I wish I looked at the big picture more. When I look back in high school, I'm not going to remember what I got on that exam or that assignment... I'll remember my friends, special events, etc... and I feel like I missed out on all those things just to keep my marks up."

    Keep looking at the big picture! Everything will be okay. Don't kill yourself. You're young. Have fun!

  4. I'm sure everyone feels the same way you do! I sure do anyway. No matter what my tutors and family say about me being made for university I still believe that I'm a complete and utter dumb ass. Like, I'm too stupid for it. I can't tell you how frightened I am about possibly going in case I find it extremely difficult :(

  5. I applied to a university that I had no chance being accepted to, also. I think it is something that everyone does juuuuust to see what happens.
    You will find the right school. Trust me. Everyone has the perfect school out there. :)
    Twitter: @GlamKitten88

  6. Wow, having done so much hard work I don't think you need to worry about getting rejected for college. Keep us updated.


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