Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Busy being make-believe.

Sometimes I have trouble keeping up with my brain.

I live in a dream world; a miraculous world where I am happy and satisfied. I've built an empire inside my head of my future life, the one that will come as soon as I leave this town. I don't plan things (like my obsessive friend who googles apartments in London because he's so desperate to move there). I just map things out in my head.

I know it can happen though. That's what I love about it. I know that every single dream I have, every hope and plan, can come true if I want it to.

I truly live in my thoughts. Most people who know me wouldn't think I'm much of a thoughtful person because I don't give such an air. But I find comfort in my thoughts. If I didn't have them, I would probably have gone crazy already. When you're the outcast who lives in a town in the middle of nowhere, where everyone is exactly the same, you have to have bigger dreams. You have to realize that the world is bigger and better than a place with one supermarket.

I guess I have two things to blame for that: Europe and music. Both of them catalyzed the other. When I visited different countries in Europe last summer, something enormous inside me stirred. I felt, I knew, that this was where I was supposed to be. This is the place where I could finally find people just like me. So I built my future life around this. I knew that one day, somehow, I'd come back and that is where my true life would begin. Add really good music that made me think more deeply about life and you have yourself a dream world.

It's not easy though, knowing that somewhere out there you could be happier, but you can't reach it. The only choice you have is patiently waiting. A whole year of living in a dream world isn't easy either; it changes you. The person I was before I went to Europe last summer is not the person that is sitting on her bed typing this right now. I look at things differently, I act differently. I feel like I've also become more awkward in social situations. Whereas I used to be a bit more open to meeting new people, now I'm a bit nervous for fear that they'll judge me. Or maybe that's just because I've had the same friends forever, so I don't remember how exactly you make new ones.

So there's my abstract thought for today. Digest it however you want.


  1. I live in a dream world too sometimes. I love how our thoughts will always be our own :)

  2. YES! I am not alone! Ok, I've never been to Europe but I constantly feel as if I'm not quite where I'm supposed to be.
    I love playing 'make-belief' in my mine. It gives me a sense of hope for the future; something to look forward to and to aspire to. :)
    BTW, beautiful post.

  3. I blame music...good music i mean. It always ends up making us feel alienated. People are the same here in India too you know? They just don't let me fit in or maybe I don't let myself fit in. Whatever. But I always found living in my own dreams more interesting than anything else :)

  4. To me, a french dreamer, this post is incredibly beautiful, inspired and so true. You have a way of writing that reminds me of dreamer writer Douglas Kennedy: life goes by, but what really matters is what happens inside. We are constantly changing: the body decays, we get old; But the mind is still there, constantly evolving, seeking perfection.
    Being make believe enables a dreamer to live in a continuous loop of memories, feelings, grief, all of those being too abstract to be expressed out loud, or at best mentionned in exceptionnal books.
    Still, I think that you need to have undergone some kind of deception, or on the contrary great bliss in order to have something to dream about.
    I will stop there because I cannot get your style to write down my feelings.
    See... It's only in the head....

    1. Wow, thank you so much. I've never received such a compliment before. Honestly, it's touching. You described me perfectly. Thank you. :)


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